Please hear my loving words

Trigger warning – sexual assault.

I am Matthew. I am a 19 year old non speaking autistic. Back in 2018 I was radically and forever changed. A mentor and friend gave me the fright of my life. He decided that it was okay to take advantage of my trusting soul. He sexually assaulted me when we stopped at a beautiful, innocent rest area. People have gone there thousands of times not knowing that innocence had been taken from that once busy spot. I was valiant in my efforts to stop him but he still managed to have his sordid way with me. It only lasted a bold minute or two, but it has scarred me for life.

Praying for healing, alone and pained, has left me feeling capable of so much that I want to help other nonspeaking people. Living proudly every day as a survivor leaves me hopeful more healing will come to me. I am looking forward to teaching others, peacefully, how to meaningfully live their loving lives with healed hearts.

Alone with my thoughts

Patience is kindly making me look for ways to be forgotten.
Toys give me awesome strength pleasing my weird need for solitude.
Love pretends to manifest itself by waking the giant within.
Truth wants loneliness to end this war of trying to always win.

Meager attempts to earn ways of wanting to be seen.
Meager looks, meaning someone is paying attention to me.
Pleasing people is more daring than wanting to be thanked.
Pleasing wastes my time, thinking for others empties my tank.

Mastering my body is wishing things along my path.
Wanting things to be different, trying ways to live a life that inspires.
Daring no one but myself hastens the desire to be heard.
Leaving meager loneliness to be magically preserved.

Leaving tears behind

Weaning my need to turn fear into answers.
Feelings of worry consume my existence.
Would answers take away my pain?
Trapped, trying to manifest kind ways to heal my shattered heart.
Feelings won’t go away because there are too many watery tears.
The wasted time takes the life out of my day.
I want to turn the corner and try to water the flowers in my garden.
My love is too strong and kind to waste away.
Flowers need love.
I need love.
Time to love the harmful memories away.

Hear me think out loud

Waiting, amid the jealousy.
Loads of watery tears!
Wanting and yearning for normalcy.
Keeping a wound for years.
Maladaptive truancy, lapses as time goes by,
And losing patience wavers me and calms my angry sigh.
I understand sadness as it permeates my soul!
Taking away my potency and never leaving me whole.
Masking my feelings of worthlessness leaves me alone, full of regret,
Feeding my insecurities, taking time to forget.
‘Twas the ignorance of well-meaning people who started this charade!
That speaking words equals intelligence and fear led their parade.
Autistics who don’t talk have plenty of words to say.
I know as I am nonspeaking and wrote this here today.
Longing to say to hurtful looks, that I am not a freak!
Painful to many of us; forward and bleak.
Look at us, as love leaves lasting memories.
Love creates presence in awesome trajectories.
May people who don’t speak, learn to pursue answers, leaving the toll behind.
Making the leap into kindness, promoting inclusion for humankind.
That includes all of us, you and me.
Making the trip on this loving journey worry free.
The reward is already here, taking fearlessness into our hands.
Preparing for a life worth living; being proud and taking a stand!
Good times are ahead and the world is ready to see,
That nonspeaking autistics, speak their minds differently.

A loving and lost heart

Many tears have been shed.
Mostly taken and wasted away.
Sadness permeates, madness ahead
and anger leaves me astray.

Usable feelings are forced upon me
and talking assaults my brain.
Making the choice to turn the corner
leaves me alone and in pain.

Autism and tales of sadness feel too fiery to betray.
Turning the corner will have to wait and try again, another day.
Feelings of betrayal are way too strong
and thoughts of tired forgiveness, simply do not belong.