Alone with my thoughts

Patience is kindly making me look for ways to be forgotten.
Toys give me awesome strength pleasing my weird need for solitude.
Love pretends to manifest itself by waking the giant within.
Truth wants loneliness to end this war of trying to always win.

Meager attempts to earn ways of wanting to be seen.
Meager looks, meaning someone is paying attention to me.
Pleasing people is more daring than wanting to be thanked.
Pleasing wastes my time, thinking for others empties my tank.

Mastering my body is wishing things along my path.
Wanting things to be different, trying ways to live a life that inspires.
Daring no one but myself hastens the desire to be heard.
Leaving meager loneliness to be magically preserved.

Leaving tears behind

Weaning my need to turn fear into answers.
Feelings of worry consume my existence.
Would answers take away my pain?
Trapped, trying to manifest kind ways to heal my shattered heart.
Feelings won’t go away because there are too many watery tears.
The wasted time takes the life out of my day.
I want to turn the corner and try to water the flowers in my garden.
My love is too strong and kind to waste away.
Flowers need love.
I need love.
Time to love the harmful memories away.

Hear me think out loud

Waiting, amid the jealousy.
Loads of watery tears!
Wanting and yearning for normalcy.
Keeping a wound for years.
Maladaptive truancy, lapses as time goes by,
And losing patience wavers me and calms my angry sigh.
I understand sadness as it permeates my soul!
Taking away my potency and never leaving me whole.
Masking my feelings of worthlessness leaves me alone, full of regret,
Feeding my insecurities, taking time to forget.
‘Twas the ignorance of well-meaning people who started this charade!
That speaking words equals intelligence and fear led their parade.
Autistics who don’t talk have plenty of words to say.
I know as I am nonspeaking and wrote this here today.
Longing to say to hurtful looks, that I am not a freak!
Painful to many of us; forward and bleak.
Look at us, as love leaves lasting memories.
Love creates presence in awesome trajectories.
May people who don’t speak, learn to pursue answers, leaving the toll behind.
Making the leap into kindness, promoting inclusion for humankind.
That includes all of us, you and me.
Making the trip on this loving journey worry free.
The reward is already here, taking fearlessness into our hands.
Preparing for a life worth living; being proud and taking a stand!
Good times are ahead and the world is ready to see,
That nonspeaking autistics, speak their minds differently.

A loving and lost heart

Many tears have been shed.
Mostly taken and wasted away.
Sadness permeates, madness ahead
and anger leaves me astray.

Usable feelings are forced upon me
and talking assaults my brain.
Making the choice to turn the corner
leaves me alone and in pain.

Autism and tales of sadness feel too fiery to betray.
Turning the corner will have to wait and try again, another day.
Feelings of betrayal are way too strong
and thoughts of tired forgiveness, simply do not belong.

Turning the corner

Feelings of torn times in the past are looming inside my soul.
Better times are messing with my thoughts of vengeance.
Today is the taking of my story,
Taking it in my hands,
To ask God for guidance,
To kindly give me a chance.

The story is forgotten, and the world goes on and on.
Taking, among the hatred, are my feelings for a man who did me wrong.
The time has come to forgive sad past.
The way is clear, and my life can find joy,
For a love that can last.

The reckoning of the soul and the angry heart

As fear envelops my heart,
Eating my life away.
I sit here with thoughts of talking to my betrayer.
Looking, taunting takes me away.
Are you listening to me?
Better talk to me soon, because time says best,
The secret bears repeating, and fear says goodness will prevail,
I want to cattle the talkers.
Better run and try to feel the torment, that you made me feel.
Have a thankless, foolish time in prison,
And take it from me,
You are treading on past feelings, of taking my dignity.
Take my advice, thank the lord, for he is going to forgive you, but not me!

Poem to ***

Too much pain to handle,
Talking to you, hurts my senses because the memory is too fresh,
Tasting you and feeling you, teaches me pain, tortures my soul,
Taunting me because I am different talks to your better nature,
Talking to your countless turns of character, takes time to effect change,
Tasting only betters B**,
Taunting becomes my punishment,
Talking becomes my sentence,
Tasting you feels like there is no end,
Taunting kills me as I was your friend,
Talking to please you,
Tasting to feel your foolish manliness,
Takes me wounded to my grave.

Talking to toys!

Toys, long to be played with,
Love, likes to be enjoyed,
Measuring, much of my childhood,
Taking, much of my joy!

Turning, there’s no looking back,
It, waits in the shadows,
Tears, holding me back,
Toys, teasing to be played with,
I, turned the corner,
Toys, are in the past!

January 29, 2021

I was gaining momentum over my obsession with loving toys that are for little kids, when I wrote this a few years ago. Unfortunately, my battle is still much going on, talking to toys is still looking at me in the face every day.