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Please hear my loving words

Trigger warning – sexual assault.

I am Matthew. I am a 19 year old non speaking autistic. Back in 2018 I was radically and forever changed. A mentor and friend gave me the fright of my life. He decided that it was okay to take advantage of my trusting soul. He sexually assaulted me when we stopped at a beautiful, innocent rest area. People have gone there thousands of times not knowing that innocence had been taken from that once busy spot. I was valiant in my efforts to stop him but he still managed to have his sordid way with me. It only lasted a bold minute or two, but it has scarred me for life.

Praying for healing, alone and pained, has left me feeling capable of so much that I want to help other nonspeaking people. Living proudly every day as a survivor leaves me hopeful more healing will come to me. I am looking forward to teaching others, peacefully, how to meaningfully live their loving lives with healed hearts.

Leaving tears behind

Weaning my need to turn fear into answers.
Feelings of worry consume my existence.
Would answers take away my pain?
Trapped, trying to manifest kind ways to heal my shattered heart.
Feelings won’t go away because there are too many watery tears.
The wasted time takes the life out of my day.
I want to turn the corner and try to water the flowers in my garden.
My love is too strong and kind to waste away.
Flowers need love.
I need love.
Time to love the harmful memories away.

A loving and lost heart

Many tears have been shed.
Mostly taken and wasted away.
Sadness permeates, madness ahead
and anger leaves me astray.

Usable feelings are forced upon me
and talking assaults my brain.
Making the choice to turn the corner
leaves me alone and in pain.

Autism and tales of sadness feel too fiery to betray.
Turning the corner will have to wait and try again, another day.
Feelings of betrayal are way too strong
and thoughts of tired forgiveness, simply do not belong.

Turning the corner

Feelings of torn times in the past are looming inside my soul.
Better times are messing with my thoughts of vengeance.
Today is the taking of my story,
Taking it in my hands,
To ask God for guidance,
To kindly give me a chance.

The story is forgotten, and the world goes on and on.
Taking, among the hatred, are my feelings for a man who did me wrong.
The time has come to forgive sad past.
The way is clear, and my life can find joy,
For a love that can last.

The reckoning of the soul and the angry heart

As fear envelops my heart,
Eating my life away.
I sit here with thoughts of talking to my betrayer.
Looking, taunting takes me away.
Are you listening to me?
Better talk to me soon, because time says best,
The secret bears repeating, and fear says goodness will prevail,
I want to cattle the talkers.
Better run and try to feel the torment, that you made me feel.
Have a thankless, foolish time in prison,
And take it from me,
You are treading on past feelings, of taking my dignity.
Take my advice, thank the lord, for he is going to forgive you, but not me!

Poem to B**

Too much pain to handle,
Talking to you, hurts my senses because the memory is too fresh,
Tasting you and feeling you, teaches me pain, tortures my soul,
Taunting me because I am different talks to your better nature,
Talking to your countless turns of character, takes time to effect change,
Tasting only betters B**,
Taunting becomes my punishment,
Talking becomes my sentence,
Tasting you feels like there is no end,
Taunting kills me as I was your friend,
Talking to please you,
Tasting to feel your foolish manliness,
Takes me wounded to my grave.